Vunerablity

Over these last few months I have been vulnerable in ways I thought wasn't possible for a person like me. I'll paint a picture for those who don't know me outside of my blog...



I like to be in control, I strive to always look the part, and "appearing" well put together is a must. Never did I want people to be able to see my pain just by looking at me, rather, I wanted them to see me and say, "she must have no worries." It was a perception I was creating, which was ultimately hurting me and distancing me from my friends and family. I feel that I was hindering the positive affect I could create just by allowing people in.


My husband feels that ever since I started this blog I have become more carefree and stronger. I think there is something to be said about that. Flare-ups can be caused by stress; I've been carrying this heavy chronic disease on my shoulders, never asking for help, not evening talking about it and all that it was doing was hurting myself even more. I can't believe the response I've received from being vulnerable. Thank you for accepting me and allowing me to have a safe place to express myself.


My friends have been amazing. I can't believe I kept them in the dark for so many years. I have to admit a few things... writing about the struggle is much easier than talking about it. When I talk about it, my face and neck get red and I can feel myself appearing to look embarrassed! My friends are ALWAYS wanting to help me by holding my bags, offering to open my juice, demanding I have the nicest place to sleep (I hope they know they are creating a diva!) - just kidding. I do sometimes feel silly when they do things for me, but I know that's their way of showing how much they care, and I love them for it!

Definition of "Pain"

Pain (pn)

n.
1. An unpleasant sensation occurring in varying degrees of severity as a consequence of injury, disease, or emotional disorder.
2. Suffering or distress.
3. pains The pangs of childbirth.
4. pains Great care or effort: take pains with one's work.
Synonyms: pain, ache, pang, smart, stitch, throe, twinge
These nouns denote a sensation of severe physical discomfort: abdominal pain; aches in my leg; the pangs of a cramped muscle; aspirin that alleviated the smart; a stitch in my side; the throes of dying; a twinge of arthritis. Definition provided by; www.thefreedictionary.com/pain

Arthritis is in with the definition of "pain." Yet why do I feel that because I don't have phyical deformaties, people over look just how painful arthrtitis really is. It's a challenge. When people ask me "so, what does it feel like..." I don't always respond honestly. Why?

1. The person won't believe me anyways so I say..."it sucks but most days I feel fine, I can deal with it." I can read their face, and their face is saying, there is no way it is that bad, you must not have a high tolerence for pain. I hate that I cave and that I'm not honest but it annoys me even more that when they ask that question they already have their mind made up on the issue.

2. When a sincere person asks, I am much more truthful and I use examples. "It's very painful, I have a hard time squeezing the hair gel out of the tube, I have to use my knees, and I can't walk Kaia (my black lab) alone most days because I can't grasp her leash, and some days walking bare foot isn't even an option."

3. What I want to say is..."it F-ing Sucks! Every morning you wake up feeling anxious, not knowing what the day will be like, what limitations you may have today." What I want to say is, "Some days you'll be feeling so fine you'll forget that you have RA then in the middle of the day a flare up comes and spoils it all!" What I want to say is..."The pain can be so strong that the only way I can discribe the pain is by the tears coming down my face."

But, we never really say what we are feeling now do we. The truth hurts, that's why we lie.